Saturday, January 9, 2010

The Fates of Leonardo DiCaprio



Leonardo DiCaprio is arguably one of the best actors to never win an Oscar. He has turned in some really amazing performances over the past twenty years. Although, I am always left feeling rather sad at the end of a Dicaprio film. He just seems to choose roles that leave his characters with the short end of the stick. On the eve of film number two hundred and forty-six, Blood Diamond, I have compiled a list of some of Leo's most unfortunate fates. Warning, there are spoilers.

Growing Pains (1992-TV) : Gets adopted by the Seaver family and has to be brothers with Kirk Cameron. Horrible.

What's Eating Gilbert Grape (1993): After forgiving his brother for the face slapping of a lifetime, discovers his mother dead in her bed.

The Quick and the Dead (1995): Film death number one at the hands of Gene Hackman and a pistol.

Total Eclipse (1995): Has leg amputated due to cancer. Cancer spreads to the rest of his body and he dies.

Romeo + Juliet (1996): The biggest "non-delivered message" in literary and theater history. Leo drinks the poison just as his bride awakens from her long sleep. Death number three.

Titanic (1997): Who can forget Leo's frozen body sinking in the ocean. I guess "I'll never let go Jack" meant about three hours after you die. Death number four.

The Man in the Iron Mask (1998): Sent to a dungeon for eternity wearing an iron mask.

The Beach (1999): Okay, so he BARELY makes it out of this one alive, well done Leo! Wait a second, he has to have sex with Tilda Swinton. Not death, but I am sure he wanted to die.

Catch Me If You Can (2002): Married. Ugh. Three sons. Awful. MIDWEST! This could be the worst fate of all.

The Aviator (2004): Not dead, but eighty-nine percent insane.

The Departed (2005): My favorite Leo death. You think he makes it... then BAM! An elevator door opening has never been so eventful. Death number five.

Blood Diamond (2006): An elegant side of the cliff, Oscar nominated, sunset death. Death number six.

Revolutionary Road (2008): Leo's most depressing ending. His wife dies giving herself an abortion after a huge fight.

Shutter Island (2009): judging from the trailers, I have the odds at 2:1 on his eventual demise.



1 comment: